The Hidden Roadblock: Self-Sabotage and the Fear of Deserving Good Things

We’ve all heard the term “self-sabotage,” but what does it really mean, and why do we do it? At its core, self-sabotage is about engaging in behaviors or thoughts that prevent us from achieving our goals or living the life we desire. One of the most subtle yet powerful forms of self-sabotage stems from a deep-seated question many of us carry: “Do I really deserve the good things in life?” This doubt can be so pervasive that, even when good things come our way, we find ourselves questioning their legitimacy, wondering, “Can I even trust this?”

Where Does This Doubt Come From?

Childhood Experiences

Much of our self-worth is shaped during childhood. If we grew up in environments where love and approval were conditional or inconsistent, we might have internalized the belief that we are not inherently worthy of good things. This can manifest as a persistent inner voice that questions our worthiness, often leading to behaviors that sabotage our success or happiness. However, we may not even realize that these beliefs are there and much worse, driving the bus.

Societal and Cultural Influences

Society and culture play significant roles in shaping our beliefs about what we deserve. Messages about success, worth, and what constitutes a “good life” can create pressure and lead to a fear of not measuring up. For some, this pressure can result in a fear of success—an anxiety about stepping outside the bounds of what feels familiar or “acceptable.”

Past Failures and Setbacks

Experiencing failures or setbacks can reinforce feelings of unworthiness. When things go wrong, it’s easy to internalize these events as reflections of our own inadequacy rather than as part of the learning process. Again, you probably didn’t have enough healthy support, mirroring or guidance over the years to be able to manage this better. Over time, this can build a fear of trying new things or accepting good opportunities, as we might believe they are doomed to fail or that we do not deserve them. I think we now connect this to being an emotional trauma response – one where feeling safe might be more important than being happy.

The Self-Sabotage Cycle

Self-sabotage often manifests as a cycle: we desire something good—be it success, love, or happiness—but as we approach it, doubts creep in. We might procrastinate, become overly critical, or engage in behaviors that undermine our progress. This, in turn, reinforces our belief that we do not deserve the good things, perpetuating the cycle.

For instance, someone might avoid a promising job opportunity because they fear they aren’t good enough, or they might end a healthy relationship out of fear that it won’t last or that they will be hurt. These actions, driven by a lack of self-worth and trust in the good things life offers, prevent us from fully experiencing and enjoying our successes and joys.

Breaking the Cycle: Building Trust and Worthiness

The first step in overcoming self-sabotage is to recognize it. Acknowledge the behaviors and thoughts that are holding you back. Understand that these are often rooted in past experiences and are not reflections of your true worth or potential.

Building self-worth involves challenging negative self-beliefs and replacing them with positive affirmations. This can be supported through practices such as mindfulness, self-compassion, and therapy. It’s about learning to trust that good things can and do happen to you, and that you deserve them.

Additionally, it’s important to set realistic and compassionate boundaries with yourself. Allow yourself to accept and celebrate successes, no matter how small. Understand that deserving good things isn’t about being perfect; it’s about recognizing your inherent value as a person.

Self-sabotage is a common yet often hidden roadblock that can keep us from achieving our full potential. By understanding where these feelings of unworthiness and mistrust come from, we can begin to dismantle the barriers they create. Remember, you deserve the good things in life, and learning to trust in them is a journey worth taking. Embrace the process, and give yourself permission to thrive.