Stop Taking the Bait: Ways to Detach from Manipulation
On the show this month we are talking about how to find some peace and hope amidst all the stress and all the difficulties. Today’s episode is focused on the boundaries and grief work that are necessary to have some peace, and some hope that things can get better.
One of the boundaries that has been talked a lot about lately is around gaslighting and manipulation in relationships. As a counselor and coach for many years, I continue to assert that this behavior is probably the most toxic and does the most damage to a person’s well-being, because it creates self-doubt and anxiety, and if chronic can lead to symptoms of PTSD. Moreover, no problem-solving can happen in a relationship because, well, there are no boundaries.
Specifically, these are a few traps we want to avoid in communication if we can:
The Victim Story. This is how they get you to believe the baloney, and possibly be pitted against others who, in their mind, are awful people. Allow people to have their stories and their feelings, of course, but be careful about getting sucked in and thus manipulated. Pay attention to see if they at least END the story with some ownership statements that are genuine such as “But I know I have made choices here too and I need to figure out what I am going to do.” Or perspective and empathy for other humans. The lack of both means they aren’t willing to be an emotional grownup yet and it’s advised to detach and keep your distance.
The Gaslighting AKA Crazymaking. They will say a lot of YOU statements that are often shaming and hit a vulnerable place, then mess with you by becoming incredulous that you are upset! Such things as “I know you really struggle when things don’t go perfectly for you…” (After they have once again not followed through on what they promised, causing all kinds of headaches for you.) Or, after not showing up on time for work or setting little psychological fires in the office that they will never own: “I don’t understand why I am being written up – I’ve been such a good employee.” That, in and of itself is the manipulation, to make you doubt your own thoughts, feelings and needs. And forget your boundaries…
Getting You to Repeat…and Repeat Again. After you have shared in great detail no less why you feel how you feel, what your boundaries are and the solution you are asking for, you get: “But I just don’t understand why you just want to fight here…or why this is such a big deal. By getting you to repeat your story, they have you, because they can deny taking responsibility for their part (the original behavior you are upset about) and the conversation at hand.
Manipulation is all about avoiding responsibility for self, and any emotional honesty in their communication, with I think all point to emotional immaturity. The best thing to do is to stick to what you think, feel and need, don’t repeat, and let them be in a place of choice of whether they want to take you seriously or not. You can say instead:
“That’s my boundary. It is your choice whether you want to respect it or not.”
“My feelings are not up for judgment. They are mine.”
“I’m not willing to repeat myself. You either were able to hear me or not.”
These statements lay clear boundary lines down around you, which is healthier for the relationship and better for your sanity. Hold onto your truth, stop trying to get them to see the light and keep it moving. Trust me, they are making choices every other moment of their day when they can’t manipulate something or someone. They can do it with you too.
