It’s Time to Put it in Neutral

It’s hard enough right now not to be anxious about things.  The Pandemic. The economy. Politics. Social Issues.  Loss.  Worry about the future.  One of the ways to not pile on right now is to work hard at not focusing outside of ourselves any more than we need to. Specifically, in our close relationships, where a lack of detachment and boundaries can create a petri dish in which anxiety and anger can thrive.

To defuse some of the anxiety and frustration – after you have acknowledged these of course – try to find more neutral statements that can lend some hope and optimism. This takes out the connotation of judgment and/or strong emotions and allows you to work on detaching from the outcomes you are talking about. Here are some examples:

Instead of Saying: “She really spends too much time on her phone.”

Say Instead: “She is thoroughly engrossed in her phone.”

Instead of Saying: “I can’t believe he did that!”

Say Instead: “I guess he thought that was best.

Detaching is magic, you are simply stating your perception about the other’s behavior without judgment,  and it helps you then to parse out and focus and own YOUR feelings about their behavior which are separate! Though they may make logical sense and feel valid, your feelings are about you.  Their behavior is all about them. See?

This acknowledgment can help you focus on perhaps why you are feeling what you feel, what your ultimate fear or fears are, and then what is the next best step to deal with them. It separates You from Them.  This psychological boundary helps you to not be enmeshed with others, and although it may not feel great, lowers your anxiety.  Better to sit in sadness or anger than to deal with “nameless anxiety” that often won’t go away until we allow ourselves to sit in some reality.  This month on the podcast I am focusing on cultivating Hope in difficult times.  I think reorienting ourselves back to ourselves is the answer to having optimism.

It also helps us to re-own our power.  When we are all caught up with them, we lack objectivity and therefore the power to focus on the possible solutions.  Being more neutral and observing can helps us not dive into shame as well.  We can have self-compassion while also looking at our part.  Coming to acceptance about “what is” is the best way to have hope – because staying frustrated about what others are doing/not doing certainly won’t.

Hanging our hope on others GIVES them your power. Hold onto it instead, because staying in choice and owning your choices is where hope lies. Put it in neutral. Observe the reality.  Feel your feelings.  Then choose your way forward.