It’s All Their Fault! How Fear Keeps You from Taking Responsibility
This is the time of year where we take stock and decide what we want we may want to change, get rid of or start. On the podcast today I talk about how just getting started and Doing is a great way to get and stay motivated. But one big thing that can stop us in our tracks is fear. The big liar that it is, it can keep us from actual maturity and all the other great things that come along with that. Here are a few things that I see as differences between living out of fear, and owning our life instead.
Responsibility is All About Choice. When we own our choices, we take responsibility for them and do not put that burden on anyone or anything else. There is no “Oh but they…” or “I couldn’t because they…’ Choices are often a mixed bag too. They include the benefits of the choice and the consequences. What we value and prioritize shows in our behavior: if we value relationships, we make time for others and look at how we treat them. We understand when others get upset if we’ve been too busy or distracted. We don’t blame THEM. If we value our health, our actions will show this via what we eat, our activity level and how we manage stress. If we profess we care about our connections and our health but find excuses as to why we can’t make that happen in reality, we are not taking responsibility.
Fear is Focusing Out There on Others or Situations. We fear what others will think, feel or do – especially about us. This keeps us from setting boundaries, asking for what we need and taking healthy risks to grow and honor ourselves. We hold ourselves back while at the same time going against what we truly wish we could do/change/be. This is what I think can cause tremendous stress and anxiety, along with depressive feelings. Focusing on those symptoms is almost easier than facing the ways you may be letting yourself down.
Responsibility Means Being Proactive. From childhood into adolescence, we often had to be told to think ahead of what the end result would be if we didn’t behave, study, do our chores or be kind to others. We learned over the years that “they were right” as we experienced the negative feelings and consequences of not planning or even realizing the impact of our choices on those we care about. We therefore learned valuable lessons and realized the way not to repeat them was to think ahead. To look at the end goal and what the reality will be if we don’t plan. When we think ahead we take responsibility for fending off the crises and ensuring more stability and success.
Fear Means Being Reactive. When we fail to take responsibility of the ripple effect of our choices, and basically when we fail to sit with reality, we often become upset, “shocked this could happen” and focus our blame outside of ourselves and others, rather than looking at our part. I do think what deep down drives this fear and anger reaction is really anger at ourselves, and fear we are not good enough. Nothing fuels a cannonball of flame like shame. Add some guilt in there and here we go. We then rant and rave and hyper focus on what they “should/could/would have done” so this didn’t happen.
Whenever we outsource responsibility, we hand over our power to choose, usually because we aren’t ready to own our choices. We aren’t ready to trust ourselves to own it. Being accountable means commitment, and commitment means the possibility of failure, and it’s too vulnerable. What we learn over time, however is that there is no better place to be and no greater freedom than to be in choice, to own our choices and work toward making better ones as we go. Fear keeps us from this beautiful thing. It is a thief that steals our chance of feeling truly alive.
