Do You Have a Case of the Maybes? How We Secretly Try to Influence Others

Maybe if I just lend him the money to get started.

She just needs rides to work so she can get there on time.

I can let them move in with me until they get back on their feet…

These are a few examples of when we have a case of the “maybes”, when we are looking for ways to influence outcomes by offering our time, energy and/or resources to make it happen.  On the face of it we are simply being helpful and compassionate, but underneath we really could just be rescuing others from responsibility.

On the show today we talk about how in order to let go of control in our relationships, we have to do some serious grief work. During one of the stages of grief called Bargaining, we get into the arguments of what if….and if only…to try to make the loss unhappen.  It is part of our process of letting go and embracing reality.  However, we can also do this argument in the present, where we pretend that we are allowing others to take care of themselves, but we still have our hands in it. So, we bargain by using our “maybes” We tell ourselves things like “Maybe if I do this it will make it easier for them.  So, I’ll loan them the money etc. etc.” Here we are still secretly trying to ensure the outcome we want.

But wait, you say.  Sometimes people DO need assistance then they can get started and take it from there.  Yes, some folks can. However, what is so important is looking at the whole story, especially the history of behavior patterns.  If the person you are helping normally does not do the right thing and strive to make their life better by catching the bus, saving their money and planning for the future, then they are not taking responsibility and probably will sabotage whatever help you are giving them today.  They simply aren’t ready to get it together, and nothing anyone can do will change that until they are able to see their behavior and choose differently.

Fear keeps you from wanting to see this, however.  You are afraid of what can go very wrong, the lasting impacts on them, you and others, and you are probably not too far off base with those concerns.  But we need to realize that regardless of our fears, we need to stop enabling helplessness because that simply perpetuates the problem. It keeps them from going within and figuring it out.

But how do you know if you are rescuing or simply helping a responsible person who has just had some struggles? Look for the fear. The fear they would not do it otherwise, they would not ask for help or figure it out on their own.  If you have that based upon their past choices, then bingo.  You are doing the “maybes”.  If instead they seem to utilize help and do whatever they can on their own, then it might be a healthy risk to help them. But even then, catch yourself with wanting them to do things your way…